It was a strange feeling. He’d long grown accustomed to neither feeling it, nor recognizing or acknowledging its existence. It was striking and unexpected. Like when you swallow a syrup for the first time since childhood, expecting the sweetness that coaxed you into taking medicine, but your palate is instead bombarded by bitterness. It came accompanied by a chilling sweat running down his spine and contrasting his warm tingly palms.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not with him anyway and certainly not so soon into their new friendship. He usually reserved the satisfaction of this desire for the women he dated. But JJ couldn’t look away; couldn’t stop watching those long arms flail about as their owner gesticulated a story he should have been keen on. He couldn’t stop the need in his chest that seeped through his ribcage into his lungs and paused his breath. He couldn’t quiet the thoughts in his mind. And much as he fought, he couldn’t stop the tears from pooling in his eyes.
He shivered again. This time not from the unwelcome desire in his body, but from the palm that had reached out and gripped his shoulder.
“Bro, are you OK?” Jude asked.
JJ shrugged and turned his head, this second movement shaking loose the tears he had resisted shedding. What would Jude think of him now after seeing him cry? This wasn’t supposed to happen and he cast a silent plea that his friend wouldn’t press the issue. Obviously, the universe conspired agaisnt him on his worst day ever and granted the opposite of his bargain.
Jude raised the question again. Knowing that the moment would be awkward whether he feigned nonchalance or bore his truth, JJ looked back towards his friend’s waiting eyes. In them he saw no judgment. He only found raised eyebrows, not furrowed ones. And instead of a mouth turned down in disgust, he gazed upon an open one, ready to find out what was going on rather than berate. He could tell that truth. It was as clear to see as the rawness Jude had embodied when they met two months ago at an open mic night. JJ had been captivated while watching and listening to Jude paint an image of heartache in so much lyricisim that the whole audience vibrated with frisson. The performance had drawn him into striking a conversation afterwards and this soon blossomed into friendship. He knew he could be honest.
“It’s nothing much,” JJ started, wondering how to properly word himself. After a beat of a moment and a deep breath, he asked Jude what he’d never voiced to any other man.
“Is it cool if we hug? I just had this rush of…I don’t know…I haven’t been held in a long time, like in a non- sexual way.” He paused to chuckle. Not that he found humor in his confession, but he wanted to ease any tension in case Jude misunderstood him. Not wanting to let hesitation creep back in, he continued.
“You were telling me this story about how you and your sister ran into one of her old friends and they almost fell over when they hugged each other cause they went into it with so much force. And that they couldn’t stop jumping up and down while still holding on to each other. Cause they were excited and comfortable with that kind of physicality. I’ve never had that in a platonic way.”
With Jude’s undivided attention, JJ went on to explain that he’d always been jealous of girls and how openly touchy they were with each other. The hugs; intertwined arms; interlocked hands; pecks on each others’ cheeks…The purity and acceptance of it all.
Minutes before, JJ had been overwhelmed with yearning. For so long he’d craved touch. To be held just for the sake of holding and because it was a fundamentally human thing to do. It had hit him like a gut punch and he couldn’t resist it anymore. His heart gleamed with joy and spread through his cheeks into a wide smile when Jude said yes.
So they rose from where they’d been sitting. Their arms extended outwards towards each other. The first contact brought fresh tears into JJ’s eyes which he allowed to flow. When Jude rubbed soothing circles into JJ’s open back which was shaking with sobs, they both knew they were safe with each other. And they’d be OK.